


If Bo Burnham was on RotTMNT

by Iamacarrot



Series: If _____ was on _____ [1]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: I just felt the need to do this, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Inspired by a YouTube video, This is where my life is going
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 09:01:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17557364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamacarrot/pseuds/Iamacarrot
Summary: Do you have to ask?





	If Bo Burnham was on RotTMNT

**Author's Note:**

> Compass rose:
> 
> Italics: Singing  
> Plain Text: Regular speech  
> Curse Words: Poor attempts at comedic effect
> 
> This content is for mature individuals who have no regard for their broken sense of humor. :')

"I can't  _wait!_ I heard that this guy is  _super funny_ , and I've been waiting to see him for as long as I can remember!" Leo shouted, making Mikey giggle excitedly.

"So... for around eight hours?" Donnie remarked, smirking at Leo's blank look.

Mikey gave the same blank look, continuously looking up to Leo, to make sure that the Slider was still making the same face. This made Donnie shake his head in amusement. Mikey may have been thirteen, but he still had the mentality of a five year old. The family was sure that Mikey would stay like that, and they were both thankful, and fearful about that fact.

"Alrighty! Settle down, now!" a gruff voice shouted, silencing the pizzeria. "Would you look at this! This is the largest turnup we've ever had! I should hire this idiot more often!"

A good portion of the audience chuckled.

"Now, before we start, I'm required to warn you that our special guest, has a tendency to use crude humor. I don't find it offensive, but-"

"But for all of the sensitive  _pansies_ that _do_ , I suggest you move your asses outta here!" a different voice shouted, pushing the first announcer out of the way. "I'm Offense, bitches!"

Leo then tensed, refusing to look at the monsters that used to be his big brothers.

"I didn't know..." Leo whispered.

Mikey meanwhile, had the biggest of smiles on his face. Offense noticed the situation, and smirked, pointing to the brothers.

"Looks like we got some overprotective bros over here! Hey! Kid in orange! Yeah, _you!"_ Offense shouted. "Get up here, you asshole!"

Mikey hopped up, racing to the stage in no time, despite his brothers' protests. Offense chuckled, whispering to Mikey, and putting on a devilish smirk as Mikey whispered back. Raph, Donnie, and Leo all watched with horror, as Offense sat on a chair, which was hidden behind a piano. Mikey plopped onto Offense's lap, humming and smiling calmly.

"So, my dear audience; this, is Mikey! And he's going to be singing a little song with me, that he made up himself." Offense announced, earning cheers. "Take it, kid."

"Thank you, Off." Mikey chimed

"Don't call me that, bitch." Offense hissed.

"Whatcha gonna do about it, dumbass?" Mikey retorted, earning shocked gasps and loud laughs.

"Fair point. Now sing." Offense ordered.

"Okay, so, this song was made for my three big brothers: Raphael, Donatello, and Leonardo. I made it to show how I feel about them, through good times, and bad." Mikey chimed, shifting so that Offense could play the correct keys on the piano.

"Here goes..." Mikey whispered, taking a deep breath.

_"HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA TELL YOU ASSHOLES? I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, YOU TREAT ME LIKE I'M TEN YEARS OLD! I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT ME, BUT SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE DROWNING ME IN YOUR-_ tea." Mikey started, pausing and letting the audience cackle with delight.

Mikey took another deep breath.

"So what? I get hurt. Like every creature on the planet. Except for cockroaches. 'cause those bitches are invincible." Mikey hummed. "You know, sometimes I wonder...  _do you even trust me?_ Because, if you don't...  _SCREW YOU! SCREW YOUR PLANS, SCREW YOUR INVENTIONS! SCREW YOUR JOKES, SCREW YOUR LIFE, LET ME FILL YOUR HEART WITH STRIFE!_

"...Because, you know, I'm a kid. I have all the time in the world to make mistakes. To learn from them. To ignore Donnie's pissed off expressions towards Leo." Mikey hummed, putting everyone's attention on his brothers.

"Love you guys!" Mikey cheered. "But, with that notion, there's also this:  _OH, EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO SAVE ME, I FEEL THE NEED TO BE SET FREE! CAN'T ...you guys..._ just learn? I have a brain. I know how to think. Granted, I act like an asshole, sometimes. Probably not a good thing. Yeah, you guys are givin' me that look. The one that says...

_"You're getting your ass beat, when we get home~_ and I get that. I get that you want to put me in my place. But, what place is that?" Mikey asked.

"The one where you aren't acting like a high schooler." Offense chuckled.

"You don't get to speak, yet." Mikey sighed, pushing Offense's face back slightly. "Now, where was I? Oh! Yes... You boys each have your perks~ And I admire each of them~ So now, I shall sing, about them.

_"We start, with Raphael~ Such a strong, confident... SONOFABITCH!"_ Mikey shouted, earning screams of laughter.  _"And then, onto Donatello~ He has the mind of Einstein, and may as well be sma-a-a-arter~_ But, with knowledge, comes consequences... I have learned, that people like my brother, suffer from a serious disease. And it's very rare, but the symptoms are easy to spot. A man, who is a genius, acts... like...  _A SONOFABITCH!"_

Nearly everyone in the crowd was laughing their brains out, while Raph and Donnie had heavy blushes on their faces. Leo, Meanwhile, had the biggest look of shock on his face.

"Whoa. I've never seen Leon this shocked before!" Mikey chuckled, gasping. "Y'know, this could be just nearly enough shock factor to get back at him for every prank he's pulled on me! But, just a near broken jaw isn't enough... someone give me an idea! Something so insanely horrific, that it'll make even VILLAINS blush!"

"Deep throat the mic!" an audience member shouted.

"An excellent idea!" Mikey shouted back, turning the mic off, and stuffing it into his mouth, making the lewdest of sounds, as he pointed to Leo.

The crowd screamed, some of the audience members falling onto the floor. Leo crawled onto the floor, and started to sob, brain having been fried.

"Thar she blows!" Mikey shouted, having removed the mic and cleaned it off. "This is what you get, Leo... for being... a big jerk!"

The crowd groaned in disappointment.

"Don't be upset, one day, he'll catch up with our older brothers, and, in time, he may become a stronghearted...  _SONOFABITCH!"_ Mikey shouted, smirking at the bursts of laughter from the audience.

"Y'know kid, you've got moxie. What do ya say about traveling with me?" Offense hummed, continuing to play the piano.

"Nah. I'm good here. I've got all I need. Bad guys to keep me busy, friends to keep me going, and three big boys to ride me the whole time~ HOOT!" Mikey chuckled.

"Very well then, since this may be our first and final meeting, shall we finish off strong?" Offense asked.

"I was waiting for you to ask just that~" Mikey replied.

Both males then took a deep breath, singing their next lines in unison.

_"SHOULD. WE NEED. TO PART FOR LONG. REMEMBER THIS...!"_

The audience silenced.

_"ONLY SCREW HER IF YOU MEAN IT! YOU SONOFABITCH!"_

Cheers resonated through the building, and Mikey and Offense bowed. Mikey made his way to his brothers, a knowing smirk on his face.

"In case you're wondering, I only meant half of what I said." Mikey assured, watching his brothers slightly calm down. "Yep. Only half. Ya  _sonsofbitches._ "

Mikey then ran off, squealing as his brothers chased him with a vengeance.

"Don't let 'em catch you! Ya son o' one!" Offense chimed.


End file.
